There are only four things one needs to know to date a Russian woman: her age, height, weight and bra cup size. Who cares about all those old-fashioned things like personality, values and sense of humor anyway?
No, this is not just a misogynist statement by an old-school chauvinist. It is what many men in Western Europe seem to believe. I got to see an interesting catalog in Germany once: a thick volume filled with photographs of Slavic (mostly blond and blue-eyed) women in the most alluring of poses. Next to each photograph, there was a reference number one would need to contact the agency and the four aforementioned essential figures. If you are a bored Western European man and tired of the picky women around you, why not flip through a catalog and order a docile Eastern European who would be so happy to live in your developed country that she would cook, clean your house, and raise your kids 24/7?
For those brave enough to deal with the bureaucracy and get a Russian tourist visa, there is an even better option: a bride fair. All one needs to do is board that flight to Russia (usually Moscow and St. Petersburg), where he would be taken to an epitome of the social gatherings. Many charming Russian women would try to charm him in hopes that he would pick her as a potential life partner.
In fact, if one is too lazy to order a catalog or leave his home, there are plenty of resources online. Try googling a “Russian woman.” The first link that comes up lures one to the joys of marrying a Russian woman: “Meet Single Russian Women for Marriage: Mail Order Brides.” There are another 2,200,000 links to websites relating to Russian women. I am too lazy to go through all of them, but the top ten results are directly related to dating. A Google search for a “Russian bride” yields 881,000 results. The search for an exact word combination provides one with a whopping number of links: 711,000.
So why this Russian women frenzy? According to Mr MacCarthy, an American owner of the Ukraine-based marriage agency Mat-rimony.com, “Ukrainian girls and Russian women are very beautiful, well educated and are renowned for their strong traditional values of maintaining a home and raising a family.” If one reads along the line, this praise would sound something like this: “Russian and Ukrainian women, mostly the ones living in the poor provincial citizens, are desperate to get out of their countries where chauvinism prevails and an insane percentage of men are alcoholics. But the desperate situation many of them find themselves in is actually great for us Western men. We can come and lure them with our foreign passports and a promise of a nicer life. It is a fair exchange: we get free household help and they get a chance to get out of their countries.”
Even though there many countries where women face poverty and violations of their rights, the post-Soviet countries are especially attractive as the source of potential wives to the single Westerners. Slavic women conform to the Western beauty standards: everyone who has been to Moscow knows there is an immensely high density of tall, thin, blonde women per square meter of malls. Most “Russian wives” come from Russia, Ukraine and Belarus. The population in these countries displays a traditional Slavic look. Among the other post-Soviet countries, Latvia and Lithuania enjoy membership in the EU, so their women can live in a Western European aka civilized country without marrying a sleazy foreigner. The Central Asian countries like Azerbaijan and Tajikistan are predominantly Muslim, which makes their women less attractive on the mail order brides market.
Due to the way an education system functions, most Russian women get at least a bachelor’s degree; many speak at least one foreign language decently. A traditionally patriarchal society tells women they should know how to clean and cook. In fact, 99% of Russian schools have mandatory housekeeping classes for girls, where they are taught how to cook, clean and sew. Most women get married fairly early (usually in their very early 20’s) and they are taught by the society to obey their husbands. Even though most women work nowadays, the glass ceiling is ever-present; a woman is expected to take care of the household and make money. It is still very rare for a husband to help his wife with any household work (unless it involves opening a can of beer). No wonder the average Russian woman can be so attracted to the possibility of marrying a foreigner.
According to some of my sociologist friends, many Russian women who marry a foreigner out of material reasons end up getting divorced after they get their new foreign citizenship. In the meantime, they often manage to get an education and a job. Many of them end up finding a man who is interested in things other than their similarity to Victoria’s Secret models.
Even though I have not been living in Russia for a long time, I go back on a regular basis. Last year, I was unwillingly exposed to a family reunion. At one point, a distance relative of mine, an accomplished diplomat, asked me what I wanted to do in the future. I told him I was in the process of applying to colleges. He proceeded to ask me what my intended major was. Political science, I said. Everything went quiet. All the patriarchs of the family were looking at me as if I suddenly declared I was a lesbian (another pet peeve in the Russian culture). Then that diplomat relative of mine used the main argument against my career choice: “But you are a WOMAN.”
I was lucky because I did not have to stay in that country. But I can certainly imagine that if I had had to work amongst misogynists like him I might have contemplated going online and posting my profile on one of those online dating websites. Anything to escape a life like that of so many Russian women, so severely and tragically limited by backward perceptions of my gender.
the prostitutes in Turkmenistan appear to be similar but even more desperate to marry foreigners. They are young and beautiful and promise the stupid men unending kinky sexual favors so they will leave their wives and marry them.
There is something very pathetic and sick about a 60 year old bald man and a 30 year old prostitute walking hand in hand in Canada.
Hello,I read your artcile.I have just came back from a trip to Russia.Where I met a
the most remarkable lady.We have been in contact for about 6 months before are meeting.It was so easy being with her.Getting all the paper work was a very big ordeal.But know one told me what to except when I had to leave.That was the hardest part not getting out of the country but leaving her.
I understand your article and what you write.And I know alot of men go find a certain type of lady.I am not one of these people.
I have been doing some checking about marriage it seems like very difficult.And right now I am at a loss at this time.I do know I would love to be with her forever.
You see I am 47 and she is 36.
Any advice would help even if I have to let go…
Thank You
Rich
I think you raise many valid points here. But some of the women are not the victims and actively seek to use a man for their own greedy ends. Some of the men are so blinded by beauty that they can’t see beneath it.
Its a nice blog.
Thanks.
I just noticed a comment that brings up a point that some of the women are not victims, but rather victimizers (I am aware it is not an actual word 🙂 ). It’s definitely a valid viewpoint. In fact, the problems with the mail-order bride industry are twofold: the men who want a docile and a hot wife, and the women who want to make use of those men, mostly financially (a Western citizenship doesn’t hurt, either). In fact, the lady pictured above hardly looks like anyone’s innocent victim, but rather like a dominatrix-type aggressive female (and an abuser of animals, apparently). But it’s like Econ 101: it’s all about supply and demand.
I met a Russian lady on a website, a “friends” website. We have mailed each other at least once, sometimes twice a day in the past month and a half. We are both 30 y/o, and seem to have alot of interests and beliefs that are similar. I’ve just read through this site, including some of the responses, and it has now made me paranoid that she is only out to get out of Russia, and not so interested in me. I am not a desperate man, i’m fit and good looking(if I do say so myself). I have asked her in a round about way if this is the case, but she assures me she has a good life and good job in Russia, and has no reason to leave, only for love. Am I a complete sucker here? She is beautiful, but I am not blinded by that. Her honesty and innocence, her belief that it should be one man for one woman struck had hooked me. She just seems so honest, and she is beautiful, that is true. She says we can meet up someplace, like London (she is in Russia, I am in Canada).
What am I missing here? What real questions should I ask her, or what warning signs should I look for that she is not interested in me, so much as she is interested in leaving Russia for Canada? I kind of thought we really have something special, but now I am wondering. Please people, give me some helpful advice. My heart says she is an honest and good person, my mind tells me keep asking question. I would appreciate any words of wisdom. Thanks!
I LOVE your blog! You write very well and without reservation. I like that!
Here’s some food for thought, fellas! What do you think your chances are of getting scammed or having a woman from your OWN country marry you for your money and then leave you and take 25 percent of your gross income? Statistically, 2/3 of all divorces in the US are initiated by women and with a divorce rate above 50% you’ve got a pretty good chance of being taken to the cleaners by a woman in your own country also.
Personally, I think that Western women are just more open about their desire to marry a man for his money. I mean, how many women do you see flock around some guy with a new sports car?…or a new boat? And why do you think that guys BUY sports cars and speed boats? Why do you think that car salesmen call then “chick magnets”…or more specifically “Pu$$7 magnets” in the movie Borat?
Anyhow…keep up the good work Anna…you have a very sexy mind! 🙂
Cory
I would imagine that if a woman from a post-Soviet country made it to Canada, she has a legal status of a wife or a fiancee, and that would not made her a prostitute. But in the countries where you see actual prostitutes galore (e.g., Thailand), it is very disturbing to see all these young, heavily made-up, scantily-clad girls, walking hand-in-hand with all these older men who don’t even bother to take their wedding bands off.
Unfortunately, many of the women desperate to marry someone from a developed country don’t have much choice; because of women’s position in the society or society’s general issues, it might literally be the only way for them to improve their life quality. Women are usually much more vulnerable than men to society’s issues. And that’s just sad. Often, instead of criticizing these women, we should really be criticizing their government or the chauvinistic culture in which they live.
Anna…I couldn’t agree with you more and this is a comment that I have heard from Russian and Ukrainian women after corresponding with them for a while. I will say that it does take some time before they will “open up” and share such things and it’s not that they are complaining or speaking to their particular circumstance but I believe that the general sentiment is that “the government doesn’t care about it’s people and doesn’t do anything to help it’s people.”
It is funny though that the government that I was always told growing up was so evil for their socialist/communist government is now viewed as “not doing anything for it’s people” while the US government under Obama has moved more towards having a socialist/communist slant with the pending health care reform, money set aside to help folks from losing their homes and going into forclosure, money for “junker cars” to stimulate auto sales, govermental supervision of the banking industry and regulation and pending regulation of different forms of investment…
I agree that any economic downturn anywhere on the earth might hit a woman harder than the male population and no matter what anyone says there is no equality, even in the US. Even the company that I work for that is under all sorts of “equal opportunity” laws has NO support staff with anything hanging between their legs while all upper eschelon positions are held by those with the “magic appendage”…and very few people see this as odd. And who gets the axe when the budget needs trimming? Support staff, with the remainder of the support staff being expected to take up the slack.
As far as this tainting the motives of a woman from the FSU, like our friend from Canada here…I have found all the women that I have had any contact with to be more honest and up front than women from the US. I know that the number one thing that a woman from Russia or Ukraine hates more than anything else is lying…probably because they have been lied to! And much like someone who has been in a relationship with an alchoholic, I think that, for the most part, these women are honest in both word and deed. Yes, there will always be the exception…someone that might avoid a truth that life is difficult for them for fear of allowing that to taint their motives. But would you, as a man Mr. Canada, consider moving to Russia for the love of a woman that you felt would really love you deeply and most passionately?…if you knew that your standard of living would be better if not the same?..and which is more important to you in the long run…your standard of living or your heart and happiness? Just my thoughts and some of the things that spin around in my head from time to time…I wouldn’t question her motives. That’s all I’m saying. It’s insulting to anyone…the same as it would be insulting to question whether you are courting a woman from the FSU simply because she’s “hot” or “sexy”…you are no more of a pig than she is a gold digger, I think…and for the record, I don’t think that you’re a pig 🙂 I think that you are sincerely looking for someone to love and spend the rest of your life together with.
Cory —
Thanks for a lengthy response! I always enjoy discussions with the readers, and I appreciate you taking your time to write.
Your message addresses many issues, and I would like to comment on some of them.
The Russian government actually is more concerned with the well-being of their citizens that it was back in the USSR. Despite the meltdown and all the alarmist prognoses, things are getting better, and I get to witness the progress every time I go back home. I believe I mentioned in one of my posts that the number of Russia women applying for a fiancee visa in the US declined as the economy was improving; it might be growing now, since the economy is not in a good situation.
All of the “Obama-is-a-socialist” brouhaha was invented by the Republicans anyway (he is not a socialist — Republicans need to read up on that); it’s a great political strategy — to use a label that most of the populations is really scared of. It backfired in a strange manner — many believed that he was on the verge of being a socialist, but still voted for him, so now being a socialist is almost cool.
But back to the Russian government; I believe that women’s issues cannot be addressed and fixed isolated from the rest of society’s issues. If anything, this approach provides women with a status where they are not a part of the ‘actual society’ (if not, then who is? only men?). I believe that the best way to improve women’s status is improve people’s life quality, build a civil society etc. Of course, a certain degree emphasis needs to be put on women’s status, but the overall development of society is probably more important. After all, we don’t get to see any American women desperately searching for a Russian husband. Which is not to say that women in the US enjoy perfect equality, but their position is much more secure than in the FSU.
I have to run now — things to do and people to see in Beijing, but I will comment more when I am back.
I think a lot of problems start with unrealistic expectations on both sides. North American men who wish to meet a Russian lady don’t seem to try to understand the language, culture, or mentality of Russians. Russians on the other hand, seem to think Westerners are rich, and can travel to CIS states at will. As more Russians immigrate to North America, they will be able to speak to relations back home. My Russian lady-friend is just a friend right now, which is the best way to start any relationship. She sends me chocolates!
Best to all, Brian
Brian,
You are absolutely right about mentality differences. And yes, I think most Russian overestimate how well-off Westerners are. There is a growing discourse on this issue online, so I think most Russians who are interested in dating a foreigner are more informed than they were, say, five years ago. Same goes for foreigners interested in dating a Russian; I think there even books out there that share stories of such relationships. It is a natural process though: as the world is getting globalized, we learn more about each other, and that’s great.
Are those Russian chocolates? You are lucky: I wish somebody would send some to me 🙂
Hello Anna!
I have bookmarked your blog because you are a straight shooter. My Russian lady-friend works at a chocolate factory in Volgograd Oblast. We are both middle aged, and only talk about routine daily things. Nothing romantic, which is good. If a lady cannot be your true friend, she cannot be a spouse. Relationships require compromise in order to succeed. I do find that on the Internet that many men treat Eastern European girls like meat in the shop. These men will not do well. I am a European born mongrel like you, but we have at least the insight into how Europeans think, and it is different than North America. Natalya was apologetic about spending a couple of years in the Russian Army as a Clerk, I told her to be proud of her service, and that she was young. Now she is happy in her job, got a bonus for productivity, and she will pick me up at train station if I ever make it to Volgograd. I will enjoy these brandy filled chocolates with you in mind.
Great blog, Anna: Don’t give it up!
Brian
Ah I think I know what chocolate factory you are talking about. China has virtually no good chocolate, so I almost feel like working on getting a fried working at a Russian chocolate factory myself. That job is also recession-proof, probably. If anything, chocolate consumption must rise during the tough times.
You seem to have a very healthy attitude do meeting people online; that’s the only right way to go. I get so much negative feedback that is is truly refreshing to read your comments.
And thanks for your kind works.
Thank-You for complement, Anna. I am still old an old-timer:I would wish Russian women were treated with the respect due. The man is still expected to be the breadwinner. Natalya says I show more concern for the kids than her ex. i’m being agape, I’m concerned for all. Good luck on your future career as a diplomat, better than Henry Kissinger!
Brian
🙂 Good luck!
Anna.. Thank you for your very interesting article.. I Agree that there are a lot of things to consider when looking into having a relationship with a russian woman. I have been lucky enough to find mine there as well.. And I have never been happier. I have visited Russia 3 times now and have meet all of my fiance’s relatives and friends. Russia is a very beautiful country with so much history. All I can say to anyone who is planning to look into having a russian wife is take it very slowly and have lots of patience.. Because if you live in Canada like I do you will have to jump threw hoops of paper work to get your wife here. I would be glad to help anyone with advice on this matter for free.
Thanks — I am sure there will be readers who will be interested in talking to you. Good luck!
I married a Russian woman in 2003. There were a lot of things that the Canada Immigration demanded, such as photos of our wedding, proof of our relationship (letters, etc.), and the big interview that she had to do in Moscow in order to get her visa. It took seven months after we were married for her to get her visa, and I understand that was quick! Keep everything! I mean every email, letter, every phtotograph, and even have proof of telephone calls, if you can. These all help prove that the relationship is legitimate. The Canadian government is mostly concerned about protecting its citizens (both those guys involved and those who end up paying later if it’s not). And who wants to get suckered? There are women who have married a man and then very soon after getting here just ran off and sometimes end up living off of welfare for a time… And think about the emotional trauma to the poor guy! I’ve seen that happen, and it isn’t nice.
The biggest advice I have for anyone interested in such a marriage is don’t rush it! Those marriages that tend to work out are the ones where the man visits the FSU more than once (usually 3 times or more), they take longer than a year before proposing, and there are even (in some instances) visits from the woman to his country. The faster the process is rushed, the more likely it is to end in divorce. So take your time! Just like dating a woman at home, most men wouldn’t propose unless they really knew the woman well. And that does tend to take at least a year, sometimes more, of dating. Everyone’s timelines and confidence levels are different of course. These are just my observations from knowing a couple dozen such couples and seeing what has happened over the years and from reading other people’s stories. And you have any reservations, be open about them. An emotionally mature woman will be able to talk to you about those without getting defensive. She should be aware that these worries are legitimate and there are some bad people who have made things more difficult for the good people. And most of them are good!
Anna,
Just got back from the Ukraine.. to learn understand the country, culture and people. And of course to meet some intellengent and attractive women. Being a foreigner in the Russian speaking world is like hanging a sign out to be taken advantage of by the “dating community”. But life is life.:)) You just have to learn the rules and play by those rules.
I learned some valuable lessons and your article pointed out a few thought concepts that need to be addressed by Western men… women are women, treat them as such. I heard stories of sweet young things taking advantage of men… when I was done laughing, I tried to figure out how some many men can be so stupid. No matter how “young people think you are” if there is a 30 year spread, that woman does not love you. :)) The joke is the same in Russian or English… a young woman with an old man everyone thinks… drugs or money. :))
Keep up the good work of pointing out stupidity. Guess my quest for a wife should have focused on cup size. :)) But I have found the heart size far better a measurement. :)) Last time I checked there are no implants for a loving heart. :))
Ken
I live in Australia, and met my future wife in st petersburg in 1992. What attracted me to her was her quiet and lovely nature. -And she is pretty, too. Russian women generally are so different to western women it is like they are from a different (and much better) planet. They dress better, make an effort to look good, are family-oriented, are pretty, good natured, have a better figure, are smart ect ect. The biggest difference though is in attitude, they see themselves as complimenting a man, not in competition with him like western women are. We married there in 1994 November 26th. Thats right it is our 15th wedding anniversary. In the last 15 years she has been loving, kind and faithful and has presented me with three gorgeous children. All that you read about them leaving their new husband is rubbish unless they are either treated badly (I know of one guy who gave his wife $5 a week pocket money! Of course she left him) or there is a huge age gap between them (20 years is really too much). If you are wondering, I was 39 and she was 26 when we married.
Gents, do not wait! If you are tired like I was of the BS that western women dish out to you I would fully reccommend a russian bride, you will never regret it.
Rob
Rob, I’m glad that your relationship has worked out for you, however, the majority of these types of relationships don’t last much longer than beyond the ink drying on the immigration documents.
Many North American men working in Russia (or any of the ‘….stan’ locales) are married. The women know that but don’t care and they will do whatever is necessary to hook the men with their quiet and lovely nature and sexual favors. The men are so stupid, they think the woman who is usually 20 years younger than him, loves him…so…he divorces his wife, brings the new young loving bride to his country. His children are embarrased and he becomes distanced from them.
The man I was with married the lovely young single mother prostitute, had to adopt her children for immigration purposes. Now he’s 60 years old and paying child support for children he doesn’t see or like. I’m sooo glad to be rid of him. I’m with a real man now, a western man who appreciates a real person for a partner.
The way you describe her, ‘quiet and loving nature, dresses better, makes an effort to look good, are family-oriented, are pretty, good natured, have a better figure, are smart, with a good attitude, sees herself as complimenting him, not in competition’ makes her sound like a designer bought possession.
It makes you sound very insecure and she sounds abused. I saw a movie like that once, I believe it was called ‘Stepford Wives’.
Dear anonymous ‘been there’,
Your posting confused me since you start out being happy for me, and then later in it insult me.
Do you really think I have forced her to marry me and to be loving, kind and faithful for 15 years? You have a contradiction there, since you imply that a russian women will leave an older husband at the drop of a hat, so why hasn’t it happened to me, then, if I am abusing her? You may not be, but you sound exactly like the twisted western feminist type that I avoid like the plague. I am also loving, kind and faithful to her.
Russian women want love and respect, the same as women the world over do, and I have given her that, since I love her. If you think that they leave their own country just to get to the USA or some other rich contry to live it up, you really have no idea of their motivations or how the average russian women has to live and how she is treated by the average Russian man-now THAT is abuse!
However, as I said in my first posting, a gap of around 20 years or more is really too much and the guy who thinks it is not is dreaming, and is asking for trouble. Your ex also sounds like a fool to marry a women whose children he doesn’t even like; remember, kids also need love.
I am not sure what you mean by á designer bought possession’. Don’t you look for the qualities in a man that you want too when considering marriage? Do you mean I should settle for less than I want in a woman, and marry her simply because she is western? Actually I met my wife purely by chance, (I did not go to russia looking for a wife) but I am very glad that I did meet her.
Western women, its time for some honesty:
Given the sort of women who are available locally, the mystery to me is not why so many western men marry russian women, but why so few do. Lasyness, I suppose, and false economy; they just take whatever is around; they seem to want to learn the hard way. Anyone who has travelled knows that the most unattractive type of women are western; the British, American or Australian are number one in the ugly stakes worldwide; all other men feel sorry for us. They are not just pyhsically unattractive (which they cannot help I suppose) but their sloppy dress code, poor morals, obesity, loud-mouthed behaviour, and lack of respect for their husband. (Respect must be MUTUAL not just on the man’s side!) In short they are horrible. -Only the poor guy who has not travelled does not know it. And western women remain single in droves, and they wonder why they cannot find a good man!
I am sorry that your husband left you but glad that you have now found someone you are happy with now. I would never advocate for a man to leave his wife and children to marry a Russian women, I only was advocating this course of action for single of divorced men who deserve better than what they get in the west.
Rob
I am not sure what you mean by á designer bought possession’. Don’t you look for the qualities in a man that you want too when considering marriage? Do you mean I should settle for less than I want in a woman, and marry her simply because she is western? Actually I met my wife purely by chance, (I did not go to russia looking for a wife) but I am very glad that I did meet her.